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The morning of Thanksgiving 2016, I woke up to the realization that I was lost, disappointed with my life, and literally feeling sick thanks to my physical and spiritual condition.
Triggered by an argument and communication breakdown in my relationship, I found myself spinning in circles. I was spiraling as I attempted to halt the flood of memories, emotions, and overwhelming fear gushing to the surface with identity eroding force. I felt like I was losing my grip on my purpose–my very reason for being–as the voices of my failures and shortcomings grew ever louder.
I was tired of fighting to prove my worth, my value; trying to be “enough” in a world that constantly screamed that I needed to be something “more” to be loved, accepted or successful. I was weary from carrying so much baggage—a defense mechanism, I thought—like a snail protected in a shell. Except my pace had nearly slowed to a complete halt under the weight of all the resentment, unforgiveness, anger, and bitterness I carried. The shell I had built out of the rubble of broken past and present relationships in an attempt at self-preservation was beginning to imprison me. Rather than shielded, I found myself locked in with the criminals of doubt, fear, rejection, and inadequacy, all the while blocking out the voice of the One who promised to be my Shield and my Defense.
I knew I needed to unload. It was time to release the people and experiences that I held responsible for my brokenness. I needed to let go of my negative self-perception, tap out of my losing fight to convince myself that I was better than the ones who hurt me, all the while feeling absolutely inferior.
I needed to get lighter, to shed the weight that refused to let me run on and see what the end will be. I needed to move forward.
And so began my journey to being 40 Days Lighter.